Time's a Goon*

One of the gifts of parenthood is that it turns your sense of time upside down and gobbles it all up. For example, I have lots of sort-of idle minutes during most days, when Noah is engrossed in train play and Ezra is admiring the ceiling fan, but I can't know when or if those moments will happen, so I can't plan for them nor can I get something meaty done (even though there's lots needing doing). It's also rare when both kids are content to be left alone at the same time. And then there's the matter of my older wanting to stranglehold "hug" my younger to where I don't feel comfortable leaving them alone in a room together. Noah's a loud child in  general, but he seems to especially savor the act of shouting in Ezra's sleeping face, so the main tasks of parenting right now involve running interference between meeting both kids' basic needs, while enjoying some enrichment activities here and there, and trying to get dinner made, too. The dinner part rarely happens.

When things are anywhere close to calm, I seek my own entertainment by reading the newspaper, or snippets of email, blogs, parenting forums, Twitter-mostly on the tiny screen of my phone. But short bursts of constant, non-connected information leave me feeling frazzle and "behind," as if I'll never catch up on all that the Internet can produce. And of course, I won't. So I challenged myself last weekend to put my phone in a far away room and read my book club book instead. I remembered why I love reading books and it really did help soothe my nervous system in a much-needed way.

You know the phrase, "Bloom where planted?" I think it's an apt statement for the person I want to be-willing to find joy within constraint, looking for the resources all around me when at first glance it appears there are none. Right now I am playing around with some new and novel ways to have fun and get exercise within the constraints of childcare, money and time. In addition to our tightly staggered work schedules, hubby's recreational activities (including ever-increasing dance rehearsals culminating in a live theatre performance at Man Bites Dog Theatre in Durham next month) bump up against my yoga aspirations in an almost-comical, uncanny way. The studio and teacher I enjoy the most are basically forbidden to me; there is no way I can attend class there within our current schedules. I know, first world problems... yet yoga has been a lifeline for me for the last 11 years-it's my exercise, spiritual practice and support community all in one. And it's not happening right now.

So what it's led to is a fledgling willingness to try some new things-Zumba at the dance studio the last two Sunday afternoons (surprisingly enjoyable), a yoga class set to Abba and the Allman Brothers at the JCC (Uggh, I was sort of relieved when the childcare staff brought me a crying Ezra after just 15 minutes), and a much more enjoyable yoga class this afternoon while Matthew played with Noah in the pool (until it closed for thunder) and Ezra tried out the free childcare room once more for oh, 20 minutes this time (second time, not the charm). Do you get a sense for how tenuous my schedule is, and how easily it falls apart? I'm also making the walk to and from Noah's preschool a vigorous one, with some mileage-adding detours if Ezra's asleep and Noah's not throwing himself to the pavement in protest (true story).

I keep reminding myself that I'm in the hardest time and that parenting gets a lot easier as the newborn becomes an infant becomes a toddler becomes a preschooler (that's mostly been true with Noah). It's temporary. Thank Jeebus for that! 

I try not to resort to TV-watching, but it's been known to happen

*Line borrowed from the wonderful book, A Visit From the Goon Squad, by Jennifer Egan.

Progress

Remember this post about radical homemaking, in which I declared my intention to live just a wee bit more sustainably? This is an update:

Kombucha Scoby-yum/yuck/yum/yuck

• Kefir making is going strong, though I'm not entirely convinced I'm making kefir, and not just runny, drinkable yogurt. But they're both cultured products so they have the benefits thereof. Not gonna stress the difference.

• Kombucha making is in the early stages but so far, so good. In fact, I need to up the quantity because it takes a week to make it and we're drinking it all up within 2 days. Wish I could replicate the yummy carbonation of the very expensive bottled version...

• Sauerkraut making was a bust, mainly because I used way too much oregano for seasoning, and I actually don't like dried oregano all that much. Can't seem to get my hands on some caraway seasoning (I know it's out there, but my local Whole Foods isn't stocking it in bulk, and somehow the thought of schlepping 2 kids into a Kroger and paying $4 for a tiny bottle doesn't feel worth the effort). I will try this again, because Noah had great fun hammering the shredded cabbage. Also, the top half of the jar turned a blue grey, not moldy, but perhaps due to exposure to air? It was similar to how guacamole will turn grey within a few hours of making it. It's amazing how unappealing blue-gray food is! It could have tasted amazing and I still would have been slow to consume it.

• 

  Tomatoes! And some other stuff...
  

  The biggest, most time-consuming endeavor, one for which I have to give nearly all credit to Matthew (and Noah), is the front yard vegetable garden! It's not been easy to manage the start-up efforts of the garden, since it is quite rare for Matthew and me to be home together at the same time during daylight hours. We are tagteam parents, it seems. But it brings me great joy to come home and see them with their shovels, baby Ezra asleep in a bassinet on the porch.

• And one set-back: we are shopping for a replacement used car for the 1995 Saturn. It's actually running well but the A/C is out for good and I don't think I'm

  

  Sadie the Saturn. She's been with me since 2000.
  

  hearty enough to handle two kids in summer without it. I know, you can tell me I'm a big First World Weenie for replacing an otherwise well-running car over a broken A/C. I'm a bit ashamed, to tell the truth. And kind of excited to have a car with four working windows, and maybe even power ones at that.  Plus, I hear they make cars with CD players these days (mine has a cassette tape deck)? While I don't link my identity to the make, model or condition of my car, I am looking forward to an upgrade.
  
  I'm proud of the progress we are making to live more in line with our values, step by step. Got any tips or words of encouragement?

Fun Deficit Disorder

I recently diagnosed myself with Fun Deficit Disorder (FDD). The littlest one is 8 weeks old tomorrow and I have had only the tiniest bits of time away from him (and some of that time has been at work-what fun). The many hours I spend with both Ezra and Noah can get long and stressful, like when Ezra is needing to nurse, Noah desperately wants out of the tub and my hot meal is cooling and congealing on the table (that would be a true story, and only the most recent, not the most intense). The interrupted sleep is starting to take its toll and my body is really hurting from all the baby holding, wearing, carrying, nursing. The major symptoms of FDD are being grumpy and "blah" more often than not and resenting hubby for all the time he "gets" to spend away from the kids (most of that working-I never claimed this was a reasonable disorder!).

I have to remind myself that this is the hardest time and it will go by quickly. And this is our last baby, so whatever joy and pleasure there is in parenting a newborn-and there is so much (but that's not the point of this post)-this is my last chance to seize it. Sometimes that helps uplift my negative thinking and other times it doesn't.

We're in the midst of an interesting process, this settling into a new balance caring for two little creatures, both with big needs. In my small-minded thinking, I thought Matthew should be having less fun. It was a big "aha" when I realized-no, I need to be having more fun. And really, the resentment I've been feeling toward him is very much misplaced-it's the potent brew of frustration I feel when meeting the needs of my children collides with my own self care. And because I don't feel right expressing those feelings to my children, they spill over in my interactions with my husband. Because he can take it, right? Yeah, that's why it's called a disorder.

So, I've got a diagnosis and now I need a cure. I've been reluctant to leave home in the evenings (the only time I can leave the kids since Matthew works during the day) out of fear that he can't handle getting two kids to sleep (it's quite a feat for one person; I don't think I'm selling him short in my concern). And yet....that's what I have to do. I have to claim at least one night as my own and fill it with nourishing fun-yoga, time alone and away, dinner with friends, eating cake and reading the newspaper in a cafe, having phone calls with all my far-away loved ones...

Matthew and I have almost nightly scheduling conversations trying to fit it all in-his work, my work, his fun, my fun-all while caring for these marvelous children who need happy, fulfilled parents. Those of you who have been here, how do you make it work? Any other ideas for cultivating fun within the constraints of time, money, limited energy?

Babies Cry, Oh Yes They Do

Most nights between 6-9 pm, Ezra gets in an unhappy state and cries hard in our arms as we wear him around (and try to eat, clean the kitchen, put Noah to bed, etc) or even rock him quietly in a darkened bedroom. There are periods of quiet and even sleep within this period but we've come to know this time as his "unhappy hours," punctuated by much crying. Noah had his inconsolable stage, too, and I know it's very common for babies between 4-8 weeks of age, but it's still impossible to prepare for the intensity of it (kind of like trying to stock up on sleep while pregnant, knowing newborns wake frequently in the night). Yet I've been in this parenting rodeo just long enough to know that, while I cannot control my kiddos' distress (whether it's Noah having a tantrum over my going down the stairs before him when "he is the leader" or Ezra's inconsolable crying in arms, with a clean diaper, full belly, minimal stimulation, much verbal soothing, etc.), it is very helpful to all of us if I can become aware of my own responses to their distress.

Here's what Ezra's inconsolable crying brings up for me, physically and emotionally:

• Despair-a baby's cry is designed to rip your heart out get your attention, so it's imbued with all the sadness and weight of the world. It is impossible to ignore (a pretty effective survival tactic in more primitive conditions) and there's no joy in the world when I'm in the thick of it. When holding a screaming baby, my whole body is tense unless I consciously ask it to relax. I'm reminded of a radio piece Garrison Keiller performed about this very experience: ...Nothing Puccini ever wrote is so tragic as the inconsolable cry of your own child. I walk, and she screams until she gasps for breath, and I bow my head and weep. I weep...

• Anger-Some snippets of my internal monologue of late: "Why won't this kid calm down when I'm doing so much to help him? I'm missing dinner, I have to pee, every night it's the same old thing. If Noah goes over to that sleeping baby and 'hugs' him, I'm gonna lose it!"

• Panic: When Ezra is screaming in the car, I curse slow-moving cars and want desperately to run red lights-anything to get us home and end the screaming! I feel a rise in adrenaline, I shut down conversation with Noah because I cannot handle any more input. My shoulders hunch up to my ears in stress and I have to tell all of us, over and over, "It's ok, we're ok, we're almost there."

So, yeah-intense stuff. The good news is Ezra is happy more often than he's not, he's supremely healthy, and becoming even more lovable with each passing day.

I do believe my ability to regulate my own nervous system helps my kids better manage their own daily upsets, traumas and disappointments, if only by role modeling how to cope healthfully with the hard parts of life. My mindfulness task right now is learning how to be present to Ezra's tears (Noah's are not nearly so triggering because they are milder, less frequent and he is soooo open to comfort and care) without trying frantically to fix it (obviously we attend to any physical causes for the distress).

How do you cope with a screaming baby?

And for your viewing pleasure, a little snippet of my lovebug waking up. I thought it would be cruel to subject you to a video of him screaming...

Three Weeks In

Family of Four + Grandma Joy

We're three weeks now as a family of four. It's been as hard at moments and as wonderful at other moments as I expected it to be. Everyone's healthy for now and happy at least some of the time. Newborn crying jags are really hard on my nerves but at least this go-round I know that they will pass and soon.

We've had some rough days of totally wretched behavior from Noah but we are back on a normal schedule and he's been much more pleasant to be around the last couple of days. He loves Ezra, lights up when he sees him, invites all his preschool mates and teachers to see Ezra in the carrier at pick-up, asks to hold, "hug" (this looks like a stranglehold to the casual observer) and be around him all the time (including when he's sound asleep-argh!).

Many times I've wished Noah would just leave Ezra alone. I have to hold my tongue at moments and remind myself of the higher good here (to help Noah view Ezra as a positive addition to our family), but man, he's all elbows and loudness! I heard myself spewing a string of negative, harsh comments to Noah one night ("Please leave the baby alone; he's sleeping-Please be quieter; why are you shouting?-If you are going to fight me about brushing your teeth, I'll just shut off the light and you can go to sleep on your own..."); I realized I was fixated on the thought of how much easier life would be if Noah would just go away. Uggh, how ugly-that's no way to treat my beloved child. It's so easy to go the low road when I'm tired and stressed...

To help with the stress,  I've made daily yoga a huge priority, just to undo the physical demands  of holding, wearing, nursing a newborn for so many hours of the day and night. This often looks like 5 minutes of yoga, 5 minutes of soothing the now-awake baby, 20 more minutes of yoga, etc...but I'm doing it! I've been sleeping in until 9, or even, gulp-9:30!-when we have rough nights of gassy discontentment (Ezra's, not mine). And this week, wonderful friends have begun dropping off delicious, homemade meals that get us through the last few hours of the days. Thank you, friends. I think we're gonna make it.

Ezra's Birth Story

Ezra, 1 Hour Old

Tuesday, January 24

Lots of Braxton Hicks contractions, probably 200 during the daytime. No pain but a noticeable hard belly and my poor little bladder would get wrung like a sponge with each one. This felt like a good sign that baby would be coming soon. Matthew and I went on a date, giddy with the idea that this might be our last date night in a long time.

Wednesday, January 25

From about 5-7 am, I’d awaken briefly to slightly more painful contractions (2/3 on a 1-10 scale). They weren’t enough to really awaken me but I mentioned it to Matthew and we agreed our baby might arrive today. I was grateful for having had a good night’s sleep because I knew I’d need all possible energy for labor.

We went about our days as planned, Matthew taking Noah to preschool and going to work, me picking up our bulk food order and savoring a leisurely latte at a favorite café (knowing that this also would be the last time I enjoyed this leisure activity in a very long time!). I did call Audrey, the midwife, and let my Mom know she might want to get ready for driving in from SC. Contractions were about every 8 minutes or so, just painful enough for me to pause whatever I was doing but not enough to take my breath away.

At preschool pick up, I casually mentioned to a few friends that I thought the baby might join us today or tomorrow. I felt a quiet excitement and planned to go for an afternoon woods walk to see what transpired.

I noticed a few drops of brown in my undies before leaving to meet Aura for our 2 pm walk. I let the midwife know and put on a pad. About 3 pm, I felt a gush of fluid but because we were on a semi-public path, I decided not to check for whether it was amniotic fluid or bloody show (turned out to be amniotic fluid). The contractions definitely began increasing in pain and frequency, perhaps a 3 to 4 for pain and every 6 minutes or so. We finished our walk and headed home about 3:30.

My mood went from casual to urgent the second I got home. Noah’s talking to me during a contraction was suddenly very distracting. When I saw the brown/green fluid in my pad, I called Audrey and asked Matthew to come home “within the hour.” Audrey and her assistant midwife, Edie, were on their way. I cancelled going in to work that evening. I started preparing our room by folding laundry and pulling out baby clothes/blankets/birthing supplies. I made a pot of rice into rice pudding, thinking that would be a yummy post-partum dish. I wanted the “nest” ready and now!

By 4 pm, I needed to get on all fours for contractions, moaning a deep, throaty “Ommmmmm.” Matthew texted, asking if he should pick up anything at Whole Foods, and I told him he needed to come home now.

With some of my first contractions, Noah looked very concerned and gave me a big, comforting hug. With some of the later ones, he looked more peeved, telling me to get off his TV couch and that he couldn’t hear his cartoons over my noises!

Matthew arrived home about 4:30 and began setting up the birthing tub. Edie arrived shortly thereafter and began setting up supplies. Contractions were intense now-probably a 6 to 7 in pain and coming every 3 to 4 minutes but there was a definite rest in between them. I remember calling my Mom to ask how far away she was and having to put the phone down during a contraction. Hope that wasn’t too scary for her…

Audrey arrived about 5 and made comments that we were very close to having our baby. She didn’t check me, she just knew from my noises and behavior. Gotta love midwife intuition! I was relieved to hear this because, by now, I was mostly on all fours, hugging the birthing ball and asking Matthew to apply counter pressure to my sacrum. He was managing this and a loud, chatty, curious Noah, which was difficult for him and distracting for me. I was bellowing out a deep, low “Ommmm” during contractions still and Noah mentioned that he didn’t like that noise. He also took the birthing ball away from me at one point! I had a brief dip into the birthing tub but the water was too tepid to stay for long. Got dried off and continued the hands and knees position with the birthing ball.

Matthew's Mom, Bepi, arrived about 6:00. Pain was 7 to 8 and contractions were about every 2 minutes with less and less time in between. I felt some of that hysterical fear that I couldn’t make it through. I was finding it hard to make use of the rest periods, remaining tense instead of relaxed. My low moans got higher pitched and I felt real self-doubt that I could bring this baby out. Audrey encouraged Noah to go downstairs with Grandma Bepi so I could be more focused.

By 6 pm or so, Audrey was urging me to position my tailbone more downward to the earth and push, as if with my rectum. Can I just say how surprising it was once again to realize the pushing of labor feels much more focused on a woman’s rectum than vagina? I mention it because the realization really helped me focus my body in a more fruitful way (that might be a pun). Audrey also encouraged me to stop vocalizing and instead contain all my noise and breath as part of the pushing sensation.

My Mom arrived at 6:30. I went into a deep mental state about now, realizing that I had to truly commit to bringing this baby out. I had the insight that I had been, in fact, more committed to avoiding the pain than to pushing through it, and it wasn’t going to work that way. The only way out was through. I used this insight and encouragement from everyone in the room (Audrey had called Noah and Bepi upstairs and I heard him cheering on the baby on his way up the stairs, which was hugely helpful) to push harder than I thought possible until I felt his head crown. Several pushes later, I felt his slippery body slip out with a gush of fluid. 6:43 was the time, they tell me. I collapsed with relief, in that moment, more glad to be done than curious about my baby.

We cleaned up and quickly settled on the bed to cuddle and nurse. We love each other all ready.

39 Weeks, 5 Days!

 

Dear Friends,

 We are thrilled to share that our baby boy arrived last night at 6:43 pm, safe and healthy. He weighs 8 lbs, 14 oz and measures 21 inches long. It was a fast labor but both Grandmas and Noah were here to welcome Ezra Mylo to the family.

Thank you for your blessings. It was wonderful to feel your support.

Love,

Abby, Matthew, Noah and Ezra